Juicy Nonessential Clauses

Mike Billings · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 1:24 pm

<blockquote>quote:<hr> BAGHDAD, May 19 -- A U.S. Army judge today sentenced a tearful Spc. Jeremy C. Sivits to one-year in confinement for his role in mistreating detainees at Abu Ghraib, the first soldier to be tried in the prison abuse scandal. 

Sivits, a 24-year-old Little League coach from Pennsylvania, pleaded guilty to the charges against him and agreed to testify against six other soldiers also charged with abuse.
<hr></blockquote>Washington Post OnlineI understand that the papers want to introduce the human element into every story, and I am not saying that it should not be there.
When I read a news article about a soldier in Iraq pleading guilty in a court martial, I am a little thrown off course when, in the second paragraph, the article tells me he is a Little League coach.
I thought he was a soldier.
I don't like the background of people or events tossed into stories as nonessential clauses of an important sentence.
Maybe it's just me.

JPSheehan · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 2:04 pm

Good point. Relevance, your honor? Even a Little-League coach (almost a Boy Scout, for cryin out loud) can go bad? For shame! The good news is that it looks like it's finally safe to add "Little League coach" to my resume now.

JPSheehan · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 2:11 pm

One might also note the nasty cling-on:...Abu Ghraib, the first soldier to be tried in the prison abuse scandal.

Jackie · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 4:52 pm

No, it's not just you. It comes off like an inappropriate play for sympathy, best left to the Opinion pages.

Gatekeeper · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 5:13 pm

Either that or one can view it as providing a wee bit of background information on the soldier in question. Perhaps some in our ranks don't like it, but I bet our readers wouldn't mind that tibit of info.Gatekeeper-30-

Phillip Blanchard · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 5:33 pm

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Gatekeeper:
Either that or one can view it as providing a wee bit of background information on the soldier in question. Perhaps some in our ranks don't like it, but I bet our readers wouldn't mind that tibit of info.
<hr></blockquote>In the proper context, perhaps.

Jim Bond · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 5:47 pm

Agreed, the LL mention was poorly used. And Sheehan, that was not only a nasty cling-on, it was a nasty overall construction. On a related subject, consider Babs' earlier post (I'd go with graduated from rather than was graduated from): Tony Randall's obit apparently included " ...The son of an art dealer, he was graduated from Tulsa Central High School ..." Now, I could see "The son of an art dealer, he graduated from Some Art School...," or "The Tulsa native, who graduated from Tulsa Central High...," but what in the world does being the son of an art dealer have to do with graduating from a certain public high school? What is with this common construction in which the comma is used to link two apparently unrelated things? If the two things must appear in the same sentence, how about employing good old "and": He was the son of an art dealer and graduated from...,' or maybe "This son of an art dealer graduated from..."? I know I'm a little off-topic. Am I off-base?

Mike Billings · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 5:51 pm

As a copy editor faced with a nonessential clause that seems dumped in, would you:A) Delete the thing and move onB) Ask the writer if it is there for a specific purpose (other than just filling space)C) Leave itD) OtherI am interested in everyone's response.

paulwiggins · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 6:11 pm

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Mike Billings:
As a copy editor faced with a nonessential clause that seems dumped in, would you:....<hr></blockquote>
If I know for sure the section editor or writer trusts my judgement, delete without hesitation

Gatekeeper · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 9:16 pm

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Mike Billings:
As a copy editor faced with a nonessential clause that seems dumped in, would you:A) Delete the thing and move onB) Ask the writer if it is there for a specific purpose (other than just filling space)C) Leave itD) OtherI am interested in everyone's response.<hr></blockquote>I'd select option "B". It's one of those situations where, if the writer is in and it's early in the evening, it shouldn't be a probably touching base. But if it's late, I'm harried and the reporter is nowhere to be found, it gets cut. Better risking the ire of a reporter and city editor â€” although that's a rarity in the newsroom I'm in â€” than putting the paper's reputation on the line for something like that.Yeah, I'm an idealist. Give me a few more years and, perhaps, my shell will have hardened into impenetrability and I'll be as jaded and hard-bitten as the best of 'em. ---Gatekeeper-30-

paulwiggins · **Posted:** Wed May 19, 2004 9:20 pm

Underneath this harbitten crusty exterior lies a hard-bitten crusty heart. When in doubt cut it out Still not sure cut some more.

SeaRaven · **Posted:** Thu May 20, 2004 1:42 am

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Mike Billings:
As a copy editor faced with a nonessential clause that seems dumped in, would you:A) Delete the thing and move onB) Ask the writer if it is there for a specific purpose (other than just filling space)C) Leave itD) OtherI am interested in everyone's response.<hr></blockquote>If it's useless information, delete it outright. If it's useful, recycle it into a logical context elsewhere in the story. (Then delete it for space. Heh-heh-heh.) Either way, depending on a variety of variables, it might be good to consult with the writer or originating desk if reasonably possible.

wisekwai · **Posted:** Thu May 20, 2004 9:40 am

Save that kind of information for the jump page, in a single paragraph about where the guy is from, what reserve/guard unit he belongs to, his family background, etc.

Oeditpus Rex · **Posted:** Fri May 21, 2004 1:07 pm

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Mike Billings:
As a copy editor faced with a nonessential clause that seems dumped in, would you:A) Delete the thing and move onB) Ask the writer if it is there for a specific purpose (other than just filling space)C) Leave itD) OtherI am interested in everyone's response.<hr></blockquote>D.) Suggest a folo on Sivits LL experience, specifically on how he treated players after a loss.

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