Oh, where oh where shall I go on my vacation this year? It's hard to decide, traveloguing through the job ads ....

How about Salem, Ore.: " A picturesque city an hour east of Oregon's restive coast, an hour south of bustling Portland, an hour west of passes through snow-capped mountains and two hours west of the high desert."

Or perhaps Rome, Ga.: "A scenic city an hour from both Atlanta and Chattanooga. The city boasts a thriving arts community, four colleges, three minor league professional sports teams and is a health-care hub."

Then again, I could visit Duluth, Minn.: "A cool city, and it's not just Lake Superior or our winters."

But how could I overlook Utica, N.Y.: "The gateway to the Adirondacks."

And how about Ocala, Fla.: "The rolling hills of Central Florida's horse country, about an hour north of Orlando."

But could it be as bucolic as Lynchburg, Va.: "In the beautiful foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Central Virginia."

While there, I can hop over to Staunton, Va.: "A growing tourism destination with bustling downtown streets lined with Victorian architecture. Situated as we are amid a primarily rural area, we also offer a low cost of living and easy driving access to Charlottesville, Roanoke, Richmond and Washington, D.C."


I really shouldn't miss Casper, Wyo., though: "Play amid Wyoming’s outdoor splendor. (Here’s a sample: Does your city’s recreation department run its own downhill ski area? Ours does!)"

But I think I'll spend most of my time in Victoria, Tx.: How can I pass on "a small town feel complete with old homes, we’re only a two-hour's drive from the the big cities of Houston, Austin, San Antonio and Corpus Christi"?

Balderdash. I'll bet The New York Times could find gobs of grit in every one of those cities.

Rome's four colleges consist of two small religious colleges, a community college, and a technical college. Nothing against any of those institutions, but don't sell the town as the Cambridge of the Georgia Highlands.

On the other hand, I've been to Utica, N.Y. You might as well sell it as the "Gateway to the Adirondacks," because once you see what's left of the city, you'll head for the hills, too.

Our naughty staff go to the Birdsville bureau:
''Famous isolated outback township which is little more than a pub and few houses ... tiny settlement at the northern end of the notorious and dangerous Birdsville track.

Bypass Victoria, everyone else does.

There was a time in my life when "little more than a pub ..." would have sounded like heaven.

More traveloguing:

I could visit Rockingham, N.C.: "Richmond County residents enjoy mild temperatures throughout the year and will enjoy living about two hours from larger cities and the beach." Sounds appealing ....

Or I could go to Grants, N.M.: "Grants is a community of some 5,000 people located at the foot of scenic Mt. Taylor about one hour from Albuquerque."

Perhaps I could trek to Spartanburg, S.C.: "The Upstate region of South Carolina is one of the nation's fastest-growing metropolitan areas, and Spartanburg is near Asheville, N.C., Charlotte, N.C. and Charleston. It is also at the intersection of two major interstates, which has made Spartanburg into a diverse business hub, including the U.S. home of BMW and more international investment per capita than any other place in the country. Great outdoors? We've got that too."

As tough as that last is to beat, I may have to move on to Nampa, Idaho: "We enjoy all four seasons."

But how can I pass on a job in which "traveling is required"? Yes, it's beautiful El Centro, Calif., where "Destinations are usually in the Imperial Valley but trips to the San Diego, Indio and Blythe areas are needed."

Then again, no paper may be more ideally situated than Owensboro, Ky., which "s on the Ohio River, 40 minutes east of Evansville, Ind., and two hours from Louisville, Ky., and Nashville, Tenn." Nice!

Then again, where else can I combine my love of scenery and amateur proctology than Sequim, Wash.? "We are located on the beautiful North Olympic Peninsula, nestled between the stunning Olympic Mountains and the Strait of Juan de Fuca, with plenty of outdoor recreation opportunities right out your back door."

Interesting to note that most of your choices seem to be one to
two hours away from someplace you might really want to be.

Change that to an hour, and that describes my college experience.

Here's an ad that's virtually all travelogue:

Our Farmington bureau is located in a college town, home to the University of Maine at Farmington, named "One of America's Best Colleges" by U.S. News & World Report consistently for the past 10 years. Our Norway bureau is nestled close to Lake Pennesseewassee and within a half-hour of the Sunday River ski resort. Both bureaus rest in the foothills of the western Maine mountains, close to the Appalachian Trail and the White Mountains of New Hampshire. World class hiking, boating, skiing and snowboarding opportunities abound. The area is also rich in heritage and culture with several small theaters, museums and art galleries sprinkled around the region.

And here's why they push the travelogue so hard:

These are general assignment jobs that demand hard work in communities where outdoor recreation and intellect are pursued with equal dedication.

What does that even mean?

I think that means people there spend as much time learning how to hunt and skin wild animals as they spend hunting and skinning wild animals.

And giving Hemingway readings about it.

There's never a dull day in Waco:

Our paper aggressively chronicles one of Texas' most exciting and unpredictable cities. Branch Davidians, President Bush's Western White House, Baylor University, war protesters, the world's largest mammoth pit, Willie Nelson -- they're all part of our province.

Sad but true. Supplier of this info to me credits the National Library of New Zealand.


I've Been Everywhere Man
music Geoff Mack, words Geoff Mack and John Grenell 1966
Adapted by John Grenell, then known as John Hore, from the original Australian version composed by Geoff Mack, and made popular by Lucky Starr. Over the years, John has made changes in the list of NZ towns.

Well I was hitching a ride on a winding Hokitika road
When along came a lorry with a high and canvas-covered load
A7 "If you're going to Hokitika, mate, with me you can ride"
So I D jumped into the cabin and settled down inside
He A7 asked me if I'd seen a road with so much dust and sand
And I said, D "Look, listen mate, I've been everywhere in this here land ...

Cos, I've been everywhere man, I've been everywhere man
I've G crossed the desert bare man,
I've D breathed the mountain air man
Of A7 travel I've had my share man
I've been every-D-where

I've been to
D Kaparoa Whangaroa Akaroa Motueka
Taramoa Benmore Pongaroa Horoeka
G Rimutaka Te Karaka Whangarei
D Nuhaka Waimahaka Motuhura Waikaka
A7 Motonui Hokonui Papanui Wainui
D Matawai Rongotai Pikowai I'm a guy. Ch. I've been everywhere, man . . .

Eb Woodville Dargaville Lumsden Katikati
Naseby Cambridge Porirua Mararoa
Ab Hastings Tikitiki Tauranga Auckland
Eb Naenae Waitaha Hamilton Poroporo
Bb7 Taupo Timaru Oamaru Tihoi
Eb Awanui Wanganui Pauanui lot o' hooey. Ch. I've been everywhere, man . . .

E Featherston Palmerston Woolston Te Awamutu
Riverton Queenstown Picton Ohinemutu
A Morere Korere Rotorua Kaikoura
E Matamata Ruakura Ikamatua Papakura
B7 Waitaki Pukaki Taranaki Te Kauwhata
E Ropata Ikowai Waitemata what's the matter. Ch. I've been everywhere, man . . .

F Ruatoki Matahura Taupiri Maketu
Kyeburn Sowburn Wedderburn Mossburn
Bb Washdyke Arawhata Paparoa Kaponga
F Teraha Thames Kerikeri Kokoma
C7 Tapanui Porinui Tawanui Otahuhu
F Ruatapu Mosgiel Whareroa that's for sure. Ch. I've been everywhere, man . . .

Gb Kapiti Ngawaka Onepu Reporoa
Tongariro Tomoana Renwick Papamoa
B Karitane Oxford Parihaka Karetu
Gb Coalgate Whitecliffs Urenui Mamaku
Db7 Waimea Waharoa Dannevirke Ngahere
Gb Gordonton Oban Kingston how ya been. Ch. I've been everywhere, man . . .

I've been Db7 here, there, everywhere
I've been every-Gb-where





The American version of this song, with Geoff Mack's words modified and recorded by Hank Snow, can be found on the OLGA.[/url]

The lyrics for the Canadian version, by McLean and McLean (Nova Scotians, just like Hank Snow), arenot for public consumption.

Texas is a province? Of Canada? Or maybe that's Iraq.

Our paper aggressively chronicles one of Texas' most exciting and unpredictable cities. Branch Davidians, President Bush's Western White House, Baylor University, war protesters, the world's largest mammoth pit, Willie Nelson -- they're all part of our province.

---

Well, isn't "largest mammoth pit" redundant? "Largest pit" would do.

And as far as being a province, would this be of Canada or Iraq?

Might this be a reference to a site where the remains of mammoths--prehistoric ancestors of elephants--have been found? Perhaps in Clovis, N.M.?

At the risk of incurring the wrath of others, a quick check of the OED lists a wide variety of definitions for province, including:

a) An administrative division of a country or state; any principal division of a kingdom or empire,

b) A main division of any ‘realm’.

c) An extensive region all parts of which have a broadly similar geology and topography and which differs significantly from adjacent regions.

d) The sphere of action of a person or body of persons; duty, office, business, function, department.

e) A department, division, or branch of learning, science, art, government, or any subject.

Any of these could be loosely applied to the Waco paper's usage. Here in Canada, it is not uncommon to hear of some thing being within one's province, or dominion, meaning one's area of responsibility.

That was my immediate reaction, and likely the meaning intended, as ably pointed out by WC.

Yes. Probably this one.

Definitely not the world's largest pit. That would probably be a Chinese tiankeng.

Come work for ambitious "digital delivery system":

No, you won't get to give anyone the finger.