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 Post subject: "Rika" by Suzanne Vega
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2002 6:06 pm 
TOKYO (AP) — Rika returns from an “assisted bath” with the day's first customer. The humid air hangs heavy with the sweet smell of soap, and she listlessly leafs through fashion magazines in a packed back room with other young prostitutes.<p>*** I've been slapped into utter stupefaction by this lead, so somebody please tell me -- is this bad or not?
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dimn
 Post subject: Re: "Rika" by Suzanne Vega
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2002 3:42 am 
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Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2002 1:01 am
Posts: 20
Location: utah
It's too long. The twist is the last two words (obviously) "young prostitutes."<p>"teenage" would be a stronger word there. If they are not teenage, then "pre-teen" would be even stronger. I would eliminate the first sentence entirely. It should/could be:<p>Rika listlessly leafs through fashion magazines, its pages wilt in the humid air. The short, smiling blonde jostles for space in a back room with other teenage prostitutes.<p>[or whatever she is]
I'm one to love alliteration - but there's too much here.
templestark.com
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Phillip Blanchard
 Post subject: Re: "Rika" by Suzanne Vega
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2002 3:51 am 
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Joined: Sun Apr 07, 2002 1:01 am
Posts: 8342
Location: Bethesda, Md.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Arial, Helvetica ,sans-serif">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Temple Stark:
It's too long. The twist is the last two words (obviously) "young prostitutes."<p>"teenage" would be a stronger word there. If they are not teenage, then "pre-teen" would be even stronger. I would eliminate the first sentence entirely. It should/could be:<p>Rika listlessly leafs through fashion magazines, its pages wilt in the humid air. The short, smiling blonde jostles for space in a back room with other teenage prostitutes.<p>[or whatever she is]
I'm one to love alliteration - but there's too much here.
templestark.com<hr></blockquote><p>Uh, wtf are you talking about?
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